WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING

1/12/2018

Noah is a daddy boy. He followed his daddy steps wherever he go, he asked "where's dad?" Soon after he got home from school, he slept with him and always asked him to sing a lullaby, he also wanted his dad to feed him, and sometimes husband also took him bathe.

Yesterday, husband had to work out of town, so he surreptitiously left Noah when he was at grandma's house. When noah got home, he asked me where his dad was, and when I told him that he went out of town for work and couldn't bring him over because he probably came late in the night, his face dropped and he made a quite devastated look and disappointed face.


So that day, we spent our time together at home. I was surprised by ~how nice and good~ he was when dad isn't around him. He ate by himself (he didn't asked me to feed him like he always did to his dad), he also put his toys back into the box after playing time was over, there was no grumpy kid anymore, he was nice but strangely more quiet than he used to be.

"don't you want mommy to feed you, honey?" I asked him curiously when he ate his dinner on the couch.
"Can you feed me while carrying hanna, mom?"
"Yes I can,"
He stared at me for a moment then back to his plate and said, "I can do it by myself,"

In the evening, Noah was still playing with his toys when baby H gave me signs that she was sleepy. so I left Noah alone in the living room, and took Hana to the bedroom and fed her on the bed. Few minutes later, I heard Noah called my name a couple times, I obviously could felt the eerie feeling in his tones like he was left alone in the dark room with a ghost, so I replayed him "I'm here," to let him know that I was in the bedroom.

When he entered the room, he stood beside the bedroom door, stared at me and said slowly "don't sleep," but baby H heard the voice and growled as a protest to not making any sound. So noah walked to his bed, left me with a deep guilty feeling.

Soon after Hana sleeping, I lie down beside him, hugged him in the back and patted his thigh "have you prayed, honey?" But there was no sound, he sleeps soundly.


Is this a part of baby blues series like I had in the first two weeks after baby H was born? Because my heart wrecked so much when I watched his innocent face while he was sleeping. I had a teary eyes, even.

These days, I've been so hard on him, I even forget to say 'I love you' since he always get on my nerve, my head hurt. If there's a bad mom (which I don't believe), then I should labelled myself as a bad mom. Still..., I love him so freaking much, watched him sleep made me more introspective of what actually is wrong with me and aware of my emotions.

Dear Noah... 

I love you so much, you are the first human who taught me what a true love is, you are the one who taught me to love my parents more, you are my first true love, 

You are my sunshine in my gloomy day,
You are my beautiful rainbow in my not-so-colorful life,
You are like a raindrop in the desert,
You filled my heart with happiness,
I learn to sacrifice,
I learn patience,
I learn to refrain from anger,
I learn not to be selfish,
I learn how to be a good person,
A good mom.

You are my everything. 

Irreplaceable.

I promise you to be a good mom so you can be a good person.


May Allah protect you and blessing you with His kindness.

mom,
5 years ago

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